When death whispers in your ear...

english entities Sep 12, 2020

 

Lately, I've been wondering a lot about death, life, living, energy, creation and how it all relates. Last week I was visiting my granny who just got diagnosed with cancer. "The odds of survival are very small" said the doctor.

While I was trying to find ease around her and find some words I could speak to I could not help but notice a heavy, dense cloak hanging in her house. It was so overwhelming I could hardly think. I didn't know what to say. After a while, I asked her: "What would you love to experience for your time still to come?" 

A few tiresome words found their way out. I also was listening to the energy of her words. "Family" she sort of whispered. "To be here for the family" But I didn't feel a lightness to her words. Her eyes did not light up and there was no smile that could've brighten up her still hollow gaze. Being her granddaughter I should have been moved by her answer but I was not. I didn't believe her. 

As I remained in silence, sitting right next to my granny, I couldn't help but wander off and scour through her life, my life... I pondered death and life and all the in-betweens... 

What is it that makes one person truly happy to be alive and others seem to undergo life? Why is someone suffering from dis-ease, depression, trauma... and some people seem to have all the luck, money and happiness in the world? 

As I look at my life I see I have walked many lives. I've changed hearts, minds, lifestyles etc just like changing my wardrobe. Because I felt like it or because I needed it. When I really needed it, the indicator was usually that life was getting too painful. 

I remember the times when life and people where passing me by while I was observing at the sidelines, looking at this tapestry from afar with confusion, distraught, disdain... not towards them but mostly towards myself. 

I have been giving up on myself more often than not. Giving in to the ideas of what I thought I was supposed to be. act, behave, think, say. Giving in to someone else's definitions of what life is supposed to be. The needs others were having considering more important than figuring out what was true for me. Not that they necessarily were asking me. I always knew without words and molded myself that way. So I could pretend I fit in and no-one would discover how I really felt about life, about my future, about me.

In my twenties I tried the job-house-boyfriend-kids-one-day thing. Everyone did it and many seemed happy & okay. So I decided that would work for me too. While trying hard, I was slowly dying inside. Pushing myself to live a life that wasn't mine, I had my first big burnout at 25-ish years old. I suffered from periods of depression, feeling deeply lonely, angry, frustrated, anxious... sometimes thinking death would be my ticket out. 

I was living in a golden cage and I had locked the gate myself. So with "help" of anti-depressants I was trying to control it. 

But still, thoughts like " What is wrong with me?? Why am I not like everyone else?? Why is life so hard on me? " were weaving through feelings I was trying to num out with all sorts of distractions. Tv was my big number one distraction. I would go to work as a special educationer, do some amazing stuff with the kids there, I had a big beautiful house, no money worries, a boyfriend that was doing the best he could to make me happy. But still, it wasn't enough. Deep down, I truly believed I was never enough. I was doubting everything I did or said, or didn't say, A LOT. Weekends were horror: a sea of time to kill. I'd picture my weekend, the things I could do or what other people would do.  But as I did, sadness, despair, anger and frustration would come creeping in. I truly believed I had only a few options and decided I wasn't smart enough to have anything better. I'd screw (up ) hobbies fast & furious. 

Little did I know I was just really really REALLY HUNGRY, and far FAR MORE capable than what I decided I was and just plain & simply bored. Back then, the word creation was something artists did: painting, poetry, music etc. I never figured creation applies to everything! Creating your life, your future, your days with your thoughts, your choices and dream of a different future.

It never crossed my mind I could be the one that could make a difference or change anything. Feeling stuck was my comfort zone. I grew up with it. Maybe if I would have known then that most people are just really good at pretending that they are happy and okay... 

 

What if THE SECRET TO LIVING is to create your life  E V E R Y  day?  And be clear on what future you would like to live in? 

What action could you make today that will start activating the future you dream of right away? 

 

Still sitting next to my granny, I got she gave up too. She gave up on living many years ago. I remember times she would convey on these few stolen moments, she wished she wasn't married, didn't have kids and was volunteering at something that mattered, in Peru. ( I do not know why Peru of all places, and she doesn't recall ever saying this to me lolll ) 

It really made me wonder where I still give up or quit? What are my everyday choices demonstrating? How is my life now? Am I happy? Am I living a life I love? Do I believe I can change the future for the better? 

I have had days where I was bedridden. Not because I was sick. I just couldn't find a reason to get out of bed for. So at one point I started to teach myself how to go beyond that.

I was teaching myself to make choices and how to choose different. 

The training boiled down to the smallest of choices:
Stay in bed - get out of bed
Shower - no shower - bath 
Get out or stay in. Eat or don't. And then what would I eat.
If I go out, how do I go out? on foot - bike - motorbike - car - public transport.
Do I go left, right or forward.

It might sound a bit ludicrous but it actually worked. I would end up discovering new places in a city I lived in for years, meet new people, run into animals etc that would get me out of my head trip. I'd find new inspiration and courage to move on. It's a trick I still use if I find myself feeling stuck. 

I wonder if we don't go out and create every day as if it's a new adventure and supports a future you love to live in, do we start to stagnate everything? Does this reflect on our bodies? Are we the ones that kill our bodies with our thoughts and our choices? Are we present enough to be aware of this? 

 

I once read in a book TALK TO THE ENTITIES by Shannon O'Hara the following excerpt: "Death is the final challenger; it makes us face what we avoid looking at throughout our life. it makes you realize there is no more time to waste and that great change is upon you. You are reaching the reality as you know it. Why not live on that edge, to remain alert in our lives?" 

What if death is the bringer of new possibilities?
What if death is the end of a world as we know it? 

 

Today, September 2020, and it's month of suicidal awareness. I've written the above article in 2018 when it was the week of suicidal awareness. As I re-read the above, a lot has changed for me personally. I've gotten way happier and way more peaceful with myself. 

For all of you wondering about my granny, she made it through against all odds and is alive. She is still not very happy and that is okay. I always thought I didn't care enough for her or that I didn't care at all. But it has always been the opposite. I simply needed to let go of my wish for her to be happy. I make sure she knows I can take care of myself. That it's okay to go if she wants to. 

I'd like to give a special shout out to anyone who is out there and has been struggling to live and is still here. If that is you and you are reading this right now: I congratulate you for your bravery. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. For some of us we experience and see the world very different in comparison to others. And to anyone who is reading this, is a gift, not a curse. I pinky promise you that! 

If you would like to know more of how I did it, check the links below. These are a few of the modalities I used in my journey and have been building my life and business with as it is today. 

What would make it worth while for YOU to live this life? 

With gratitude for the major contribution of ACCESS CONSCIOUSNESS , ACCESS BARS and TALK TO THE ENTITIES.

 

 

 

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